PDA

View Full Version : Humor Fishing The Pond (Daves Stories)


dbarnett1
02-16-2011, 10:37 AM
Fishing The Pond


The day started off innocently enough. As was normal, I was up at dawn and did all of my morning chores and with nothing particular on the agenda, my dad allowed as how the rest of the day was mine.
It was a perfect late spring morning and I decided to call up a couple friends of mine and see if they would like to go fishing. About an hour later the three of us were headed to the pond light of heart and full of expectation of the great day ahead.
We spent a few minutes digging some worms from around a manure pile where we mucked out our barn. We reasoned that anything that could live in a manure pile would surely be tough enough to ride to depths threaded on a hook and entice some nice whoppers. In reality though I decided a manure pile is a form of social welfare for degenerate weaklings too lazy to make it out in the real dirt. We threaded the worms on the hooks but being soft as they were they tore off too easily to stand up to any real fishing.
After about 30 minutes of this, one of my buddies went off in search of a more suitable bait. We lived on a dairy farm so we had cattle, horses and a team of mules. As is to be expected, horse flies are in particular abundance in these settings and it didn’t take my friend long before he had caught a rather large number of the little beggars and had them imprisoned in a mason jar.
My other friend and I watched as he selected his first victim and threaded his hook through the tail section of the fly. He then executed a cast that he described as a delicate fly casting technique but in reality reminded me of our elderly neighbor lady fending off a yellow jacket with a broom. Even though his casting wasn’t going to win him any Outdoor Life covers, he did mange to get the horse fly projected about 10 feet out from the bank. It sputtered and buzzed and produced an action that I was fairly impressed with. All of a sudden a big crappie detonated on the fly and the fight was on. My buddy played the crappie out with all the finesse of a jerkline on a gravel barge. For a second it would have seemed that he had switched to a top water crankbait and that the devil himself was after it. After placing the remains of the fish on our stringer he wondered out loud what would happen if he were to place two of the flies on his hook.
The flies fit on the hook just fine possibly because the hook he was using did off season duty as an anchor for the earlier mentioned gravel barge. Still the hooks weight was minor in contrast to the weight of the flies. My other friend recommended using a split shot but was told that it would interfere with his delicate fly casting technique.
Our pond was the source of water for all of our livestock. As luck would have it, our old left hand mule, Doc was grazing on the bank of the pond and basically enjoying being left alone. Doc was a good mule in the hitch but on his own time he had the social graces of a badger with bursitis. He was just barely tolerable of most other animals and even less so of humans.
Our fishing platform was the old front porch off of our house. When dad built the house he only intended it to be a temporary fixture until he could build the final enclosed porch that he wanted. The porch had seen a few years at the pond and although it was still suitable to sit on to fish it was deteriorating and had several loose boards on it.

Continued in next post.

dbarnett1
02-16-2011, 10:39 AM
My buddy proceeded to initiate another of his now famous casts and was in mid brag of how he was going to make the catch of the day. I had just finished giving him some good natured teasing when the unexpected became the unbelievable. With his line in mid arc of his cast, the flies did what flies do. They took off buzzing straight for ole Doc. The two flies together had enough horsepower to make it to the mule and I sensed that very quickly my buddy was gonna be the goat!
My friend in his endeavors to master fly fishing had peeled off about 10 yards of line from his old Zebco. This gave the flies the freedom they needed to reach their destination. My buddy on the other hand couldn’t reel fast enough to prevent their defection. As the flies landed on Doc’s hind side my buddy finally came to the end of all that line and gave a big whip to his rod to stop the impending doom. As was our habit back then we used line that was rejected as being too heavy to use for log chains. The resulting “whip” managed to make the hook bite home firm on its unintended target.
If Doc was anti social before, he was now planning on getting a visa changing his name and hiding out in Switzerland after disposing of his murder victim. What ever his mind set was, his body went into immediate action. I had seen Doc pull tree stumps that would give a D-9 Cat problems but speed wasn’t his strong suit. That all changed. Faster than a dose of castor oil through a midget, ole Doc took off like a shot. This wouldn’t have really been a big problem except that in all the excitement my buddy had managed to get about two good wraps of that line tangled around his hand. As the slack came out of the line I could see the look of horror in his face. Not being able to second guess what would happen next, my other buddy and I chose the “every man for himself” method of survival and scrambled to a safe distance in which to watch the grand action unfolding before us.
As mentioned earlier the old porch was in an advanced state of decay. As my friend shot off of it his pants and other body parts caught on a large 16d nail that was firmly embedded in a 2 x 12 board. The resulting chorus of brays was very unsettling especially those of my friend not to mention Doc. I didn’t realize it then but I was bearing witness to the birth of the sport of “wake boarding”. With Doc on a dead run, my buddy firmly tied on and seated on his 2 x 12, he cut a roostertail that would do hydroplane drivers proud. With the bank elevated Doc had no where to go but straight ahead.
It was the grandest spectacle I ever witnessed for free albeit though short lived. For a second it seemed that my buddy was getting the hang of steering that board but then Doc came to the end of the pond. As he bolted off I realized the ride wasn’t over for my buddy. Doc was headed straight for the woods.
We lost sight of the two piece parade and sat debating what we should do. When the screaming and braying died out too soft to hear we decided to just keep fishing and if our friend didn’t return shortly then we would launch a search and rescue party. Alas we finally caught site of a ragged, battered site we determined was our buddy and relaxed to our fishing at hand. When he got back to us he informed us that Doc had defied all of his pleas to whoa and most laws of physics. He reckoned there wasn’t an untouched tree between the pond and his final point of landing. He told of how Doc finally made a quick U turn and snagged the line on a tree and ripped the hook free of his backside. The board had also snagged a tree somewhat short of Docs end run and ripped it free from my buddy’s backside. We chuckled quietly over the misfortune but couldn’t help feeling a little guilty. We had used all his flies to catch a nice stringer of slab sunfish. We needn’t have worried though the last we seen he was over at the manure pile digging more lazy soft worms.

cwd
02-16-2011, 11:19 AM
Great story. Felt like I was right along side you.While I was reading it.

Chris

JoeW
02-16-2011, 11:51 AM
You spin yarns like Pat McManus and Ed Zern! Great read, once again! Best---- JoeW

bass or bass?
02-16-2011, 06:20 PM
Priceless!

cwd
02-16-2011, 06:58 PM
I had to read this one again, I enjoyed it so much.
I do not know what you do better.
Tell stories or build pond boats.
either one you do a great job.
Please keep them comming I look forward to reading more or them.

Chris